So it's been a while since I last blogged. I apologize for those of you who liked reading my blog, which isn't that big of a number anyways (I still do appreciate those who do read it). Anyways, seeing as it has been a while since I last blogged, a lot has happened, a lot has been going through my mind. While I am in the mood, I feel it is appropriate to write and new blog. What I am going to do it make a list that you won't see cause I am going to write about each thing I put on the list and then delete them as I go. I have a feeling this will be a rather long blog, and there will probably be a lot of overlapping, but we will see. I hope you enjoy it and can relate to it perhaps in some way or another, just like always.
...So I think I want to talk about something in society that kind of bothers me at time. Then I will go on to talk a lot more about personal reflections. Anyways, I really hate how society always makes sure to remember the notion of revenge and take part in it when necessary. Perhaps it is part of human nature, for I am sure at some point everyone has taken some sort of revenge out on another person for a wrong they believed was committed upon themselves. I know I have, but it is definitely something I have tried to avoid. It is such a terrible way to live. It is one of those things that creates a self containing chain reaction that could eventually lead to the end of the human race. Person A does something to Person B and B is hurt by that. Naturally, B must keep his pride and do something even worse to A so that things will be "even." Then of course A is outraged that B did something back to him and in an even worse fashion so then they retaliate from the retaliation that was in response to the original action. And it goes on. Both people keep doing worse and worse things to eachother. That is just one variation of the circle.
It is terrible. I hate it. Really nobody wins. But there must be a way to stop this circle of death. That of course goes against human nature as well, but one of the parties in the problem needs to let go of his pride and perhaps ask for forgiveness. I know you might say it is not as easy as that, but I think it is. Or at least just to stop would be good enough. Maybe that is my real criticism. I think maybe people are too proud. I believe that world would be such a better place is everyone was not so proud. Bush could for example say he was wrong about WMD's or whatever and maybe even ask for forgiveness for a mistake that has gone on much too long (this is all my opinion) and we could possibly be avoiding another world war down the road. You may say I am naive for saying this, but I think there is some definite truth in it. So take it for what it is.
Now I want to talk about myself. I am the shit, bitch. Ha I just wanted to say that. I was just joking. But really, I love my life. I am relatively happy and I think I am headed in the right direction. I hope I don't appear extremely vain in this little bit, for I am going to show the other side of the coin soon.
Anyways, I have lots of friends. I am pretty good at making them and associating myself and being friends with people of many different groups. I have some really close ones who I know depend on me for a lot, and I depend on them for a lot. I have a family that loves me a lot. I am very greatful for that. I play in two different bands both of which I have been told are very good bands. I write my own music as well which I have also heard some good reviews. I am a decently fast running on the varsity track team, at least relative to how I used to be and my spot on the team. I am an Eagle Scout and someone who I think is looked up upon highly in the troop. I have been told I am a very smart person. I have been told that I am a great leader. I have been told I am a good friend. I have been told that I am a great guy.
Gosh that is a lot of stuff, but I think there is more to me than that. Yes I am happy, but just like everyone else, things are far from perfect. This is the more important part of this blog, and I want to reflect on that. I hope you don't think I am complaining, for I know that there are people who are worse off than me and I know that I still have a lot to live and learn and know that life is not easy, like I said above.
This will be very hard for me to clearly express, but I will get into it.
So many times I get into these depressed moods where everything is wrong. I am not mad but more sad. I guess the best way to describe it would be to say I get depressed. It is the complete opposite of who I am as described above. I think I am equally this person as I am that. This all probably seems weird, but just try to understand and not judge or anything. I become a completely different person, and I hate it. I often wonder what triggers this "depression," for many things it seems like can.
This other me, or this other part of me, or this depressed version of me, or in relation to all of those good things, this not so perfect aspect of me I think stems from the overall theme that a lot of times, even when I am doing some of those things I said above, I don't know who I am, or who I want to be, or who I should be. I don't know who I am. I think there are many things or parts that make up this lack of knowledge of myself. Some of them may seem rational, some may seem irrational and something that I simply need to forget about and not think of ever again. I don't really know. I will go through these aspects.
First, sometimes I don't know what to say to people. I contradict my thoughts in my head. I have fears that people will misinterpret what I am saying and that they will hate me for it. And that is just a little bit of what I am trying to say. I get in these moods, and I can't talk to anybody. It is not that I don't trust people or that I don't have good, close enough friends, but rather its I just don't know what to say and I am so down it creates another of those circles of death. I don't know who to talk to so then in my mind I fear that I am totally alone in the world, and life is so pointless. Then somehow, I snap out of that depressed mood, and I am fine. But I still don't talk to anybody because I feel better and there is no need.
Second, I don't know how to deal with some criticism or I feel some unnecessarily unappreciated and it sets me off into one one of those moods. I don't know whether to fight back against the criticism, or even whether I should. It seems like every time I fight back it turns out to be a mistake, for either people are just trying to help me or they don't really mean anything by it. I don't know how to deal with it so usually I don't say anything and try to stuff it away and not worry about it as much as I can. Even if it is just in my mind, I never know whether I am overreacting or I should be actually worrying about it and I should be fighting back. That is another part of that not always knowing who I am.
Third, I fear that I am sometimes too hard on myself or I am afraid I am not hard enough. I don't really know how to be too critical on myself. I think that I am probably too hard on myself if I don't do well in a race. On the other side I am not hard enough on myself when I don't do well on a test or something. Now it would seem I have the problem already targeted right there, but there refuses to be a change, and I still seem to get into those depressed moods about stuff. I just don't know what to do. Which is another part of this, I don't know how to change. Maybe it isn't supposed to be something you consciously do and it happens with the click of your fingers, but I would like to hope you have some sort of control over the changes you go through. Sometimes I am not even aware that I have changed and that scares me incredibly. I don't know.
Fourth, and hopefully this one will the clearest and most important, in my mind I contradict myself so much in what I want and who I am or what I should do. That is the simple and most clear way to say it. I will try to elaborate it with a few examples or something.
I think my girl situation(s) and everything that goes on with that provides a great example of how I don't know what I want. I am hesitant to post this part for I am very afraid it will drive some girls away from my but maybe that is an overreaction and I suppose it a big part of me. So what I am trying to get at is that I never know what to do with girls. This problem has stemmed all the way back to freshman year when my friend Sean and I used to always talk about how much we wanted that perfect relationship with some girl that would be perfect. We would watch movies and wish that what happed in the movies would happen to us. And don't make fun of me for saying that because I know everyone has done it. And then he got what we always talked about and I didn't. I still had that desire so I became bent on it, with consequences. I do this thing where I flirt with as many girls as I can so that I have as many opportunities as I can to get that one girl. And then I screw it up because of so much going on and I can't decide what to do. And then I do it again. There is always a debate between different girls in my mind. Most of the time they would never be in a relationship with me anyways. I think I have often missed that one girl because I have screwed it up. I never can decide what I really want, for it is not as simple as I used to think it is. I never know what I want.
Many times, I don't know the kind of friend I should be. I know this sounds terrible and I hate myself for it a lot but I think that at times I can be a bad friend. Sometimes I don't know how to give the best advice, or I fail to be there for a friend when they most need me. This is something I know that I have done. I definitely try and I will always, but sometimes I really don't know how to be a good friend. I think it varies from person to person, but I screw things up sometimes because I don't know how to be a good friend to somebody. Sometimes I just don't know how to be.
When I am in a depressed mood, I know I have said this but I really have no idea who I am. I am a complete wreck. I don't know how to express it because I don't want to draw attention to myself so that everyone is looking at me and asking me what's wrong. I don't want to say anything and usually I hide it because I don't want people to think I am a depressed person who is sad a lot. I always want to maintain my image of someone who is always happy and someone who can be there for others (whether I do it right or not). But I always have contridicting thoughts causing me to also stop talking and be by myself. And this causes those other things to happen and I hate myself even more and it just causes another spiral of death. And overall, I don't know who I am. Now I know a lot of these thoughts are irrational, and I should not be thinking them, but that is coming from my current state of mind where I see myself more aware of these things and I believe myself to be thinking more logically. I don't know. It's weird. Like I said, sometimes I don't know who I am and even when I am not in a depressed mood, I still don't fully know who I am. I still don't know who I should be or what I should do. I don't know.
So...now for a little reflection on my reflection. I wrote an incredible amount. More than ever before. I am sure that barely anybody will get to this point. Either way, I find this whole blogging to be somewhat therapeutical, and in order for it to work, I have to post it and simply hope people read it. I hope that by reading this you don't think that I am a guy who lives in his own vanity. I definitely don't. I don't know how else I can prove it to you but really, I am not a very egotistical person. I am really not one of those people really into themselves. I promise. I hope that the other side has shown that. But also I hope you don't view me as a person who is depressed all the time, for I am not. Like I said before, I love life, and I love my life.
For me it is really hard for me to clearly show in words what is going on in my head, but with this I am trying to my hope is that it helps me perhaps understand myself more and also maybe you can relate to a sentence here or there that perhaps sticks out.
And where do I go from here? I am going to learn from this and continue on with my life. I am going to remain optimistic as always, and I am going to continue to grow and change and get to know who I am better. Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed it. Word.
-Andy
1 comment:
I should lead this post with an apology for any and all resulting errors in grammar or spelling as a result of it being 4 AM. I also think it's totally badass that I'm up this late, but not really.
First off, that's great that you love your life. I can't really think of anything more important than that.
Second, let's address the girl thing. There is no relationship like the movies. Even good relationships have their relationshit days, and the trick is to just understand that and if you still care for the person stick with it. Jackie and I argue every now and then (they're not necessarily heated but the are arguments), but I don't have any doubt really that we're a good couple. I guess what helps is to decide that the girl you're with is the one you want to be with and really mean it. Without that you'll find yourself flirting and sort of passively wishing you were single again. Really it's about focusing on the person you want or there will always be that seed of what if you went with the other girl. Or, if the one you're dating thinks she wasn't your first choice that can be rather hard on a relationship.
Third, to target the brunt of the post, I think it's important to wonder those things. I really do believe in the importance of looking at yourself and wondering things. Speaking personally, as my perspective is all I have to work with and in all probability it isn't the same or you, I find the only real way to escape cycling about not knowing how to view yourself is to simply decide. Are you being too hard on yourself or too easy? Just make a decision. Yeah, it's not always the most informed decision, but at least their is certainty and you can work with that.
That's the same thing with change. Change doesn't really happen all that quickly and it usually doesn't happen much at all without some driving will. Do you think you should be a better friend? If so, conciously think of the times when you feel like a bad friend and put forth effort to act as you normally wouldn't. Before you know it you will behave that way readily. Again, I'll use myself as an example. I'm pretty good at telling when someone feels bad, and I used to just ignore it. Well, after some people called me an ass I decided I would try to care more. So I took initiative - which is probably the hardest thing to do - and asked what was wrong. Well, I found that wasn't really far enough sometimes, because it can be hard to talk to someone about that kind of thing with lots of other people around. I conciously made the decision many times to call people and check out why they were unhappy or hurt. Believe me though, it's not easy to break habbits like that (or at least it wasn't for me); I used to have to sit there holding my phone for about 20 minutes deciding if I really wanted to call.
So I think that's the important part of your delimma that keeps arising. You just need to make decisions with the best information available - which a lot of the time is just what you want to have happen - and conciously put forth effort for it. Here's another example of what I mean... You said you were hard on yourself when you don't race as well as you want but that you weren't quite as upset about tests that you do poorly on. Well, the simplest thing, in my mind, to do is just tell yourself you aren't happy when you botch a test. If you get a test back, and you know you did poorly, don't just passively assess how that makes you feel. Tell yourself - even if you're lieing - that it's disappointing. Eventually you will come to believe it and you'll find yourself getting disappointed when you don't do as well as you could, thus prompting you to study. That also comes with you actually feeling good with when you do well on a test.
So to tye what I think is the most important parts of my reply together: when you find yourself confused or not feeling how you think you should, tell yourself what you want to feel and lie to yourself that it's true, eventually you will become what you tell yourself you are.
That's Phillip's guide to changing yourself - force yourself to do things or feel things until it comes naturally.
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