Reflections...

So it's been a while since I last blogged. I apologize for those of you who liked reading my blog, which isn't that big of a number anyways (I still do appreciate those who do read it). Anyways, seeing as it has been a while since I last blogged, a lot has happened, a lot has been going through my mind. While I am in the mood, I feel it is appropriate to write and new blog. What I am going to do it make a list that you won't see cause I am going to write about each thing I put on the list and then delete them as I go. I have a feeling this will be a rather long blog, and there will probably be a lot of overlapping, but we will see. I hope you enjoy it and can relate to it perhaps in some way or another, just like always.


...So I think I want to talk about something in society that kind of bothers me at time. Then I will go on to talk a lot more about personal reflections. Anyways, I really hate how society always makes sure to remember the notion of revenge and take part in it when necessary. Perhaps it is part of human nature, for I am sure at some point everyone has taken some sort of revenge out on another person for a wrong they believed was committed upon themselves. I know I have, but it is definitely something I have tried to avoid. It is such a terrible way to live. It is one of those things that creates a self containing chain reaction that could eventually lead to the end of the human race. Person A does something to Person B and B is hurt by that. Naturally, B must keep his pride and do something even worse to A so that things will be "even." Then of course A is outraged that B did something back to him and in an even worse fashion so then they retaliate from the retaliation that was in response to the original action. And it goes on. Both people keep doing worse and worse things to eachother. That is just one variation of the circle.

It is terrible. I hate it. Really nobody wins. But there must be a way to stop this circle of death. That of course goes against human nature as well, but one of the parties in the problem needs to let go of his pride and perhaps ask for forgiveness. I know you might say it is not as easy as that, but I think it is. Or at least just to stop would be good enough. Maybe that is my real criticism. I think maybe people are too proud. I believe that world would be such a better place is everyone was not so proud. Bush could for example say he was wrong about WMD's or whatever and maybe even ask for forgiveness for a mistake that has gone on much too long (this is all my opinion) and we could possibly be avoiding another world war down the road. You may say I am naive for saying this, but I think there is some definite truth in it. So take it for what it is.

Now I want to talk about myself. I am the shit, bitch. Ha I just wanted to say that. I was just joking. But really, I love my life. I am relatively happy and I think I am headed in the right direction. I hope I don't appear extremely vain in this little bit, for I am going to show the other side of the coin soon.

Anyways, I have lots of friends. I am pretty good at making them and associating myself and being friends with people of many different groups. I have some really close ones who I know depend on me for a lot, and I depend on them for a lot. I have a family that loves me a lot. I am very greatful for that. I play in two different bands both of which I have been told are very good bands. I write my own music as well which I have also heard some good reviews. I am a decently fast running on the varsity track team, at least relative to how I used to be and my spot on the team. I am an Eagle Scout and someone who I think is looked up upon highly in the troop. I have been told I am a very smart person. I have been told that I am a great leader. I have been told I am a good friend. I have been told that I am a great guy.

Gosh that is a lot of stuff, but I think there is more to me than that. Yes I am happy, but just like everyone else, things are far from perfect. This is the more important part of this blog, and I want to reflect on that. I hope you don't think I am complaining, for I know that there are people who are worse off than me and I know that I still have a lot to live and learn and know that life is not easy, like I said above.

This will be very hard for me to clearly express, but I will get into it.

So many times I get into these depressed moods where everything is wrong. I am not mad but more sad. I guess the best way to describe it would be to say I get depressed. It is the complete opposite of who I am as described above. I think I am equally this person as I am that. This all probably seems weird, but just try to understand and not judge or anything. I become a completely different person, and I hate it. I often wonder what triggers this "depression," for many things it seems like can.

This other me, or this other part of me, or this depressed version of me, or in relation to all of those good things, this not so perfect aspect of me I think stems from the overall theme that a lot of times, even when I am doing some of those things I said above, I don't know who I am, or who I want to be, or who I should be. I don't know who I am. I think there are many things or parts that make up this lack of knowledge of myself. Some of them may seem rational, some may seem irrational and something that I simply need to forget about and not think of ever again. I don't really know. I will go through these aspects.

First, sometimes I don't know what to say to people. I contradict my thoughts in my head. I have fears that people will misinterpret what I am saying and that they will hate me for it. And that is just a little bit of what I am trying to say. I get in these moods, and I can't talk to anybody. It is not that I don't trust people or that I don't have good, close enough friends, but rather its I just don't know what to say and I am so down it creates another of those circles of death. I don't know who to talk to so then in my mind I fear that I am totally alone in the world, and life is so pointless. Then somehow, I snap out of that depressed mood, and I am fine. But I still don't talk to anybody because I feel better and there is no need.

Second, I don't know how to deal with some criticism or I feel some unnecessarily unappreciated and it sets me off into one one of those moods. I don't know whether to fight back against the criticism, or even whether I should. It seems like every time I fight back it turns out to be a mistake, for either people are just trying to help me or they don't really mean anything by it. I don't know how to deal with it so usually I don't say anything and try to stuff it away and not worry about it as much as I can. Even if it is just in my mind, I never know whether I am overreacting or I should be actually worrying about it and I should be fighting back. That is another part of that not always knowing who I am.

Third, I fear that I am sometimes too hard on myself or I am afraid I am not hard enough. I don't really know how to be too critical on myself. I think that I am probably too hard on myself if I don't do well in a race. On the other side I am not hard enough on myself when I don't do well on a test or something. Now it would seem I have the problem already targeted right there, but there refuses to be a change, and I still seem to get into those depressed moods about stuff. I just don't know what to do. Which is another part of this, I don't know how to change. Maybe it isn't supposed to be something you consciously do and it happens with the click of your fingers, but I would like to hope you have some sort of control over the changes you go through. Sometimes I am not even aware that I have changed and that scares me incredibly. I don't know.

Fourth, and hopefully this one will the clearest and most important, in my mind I contradict myself so much in what I want and who I am or what I should do. That is the simple and most clear way to say it. I will try to elaborate it with a few examples or something.

I think my girl situation(s) and everything that goes on with that provides a great example of how I don't know what I want. I am hesitant to post this part for I am very afraid it will drive some girls away from my but maybe that is an overreaction and I suppose it a big part of me. So what I am trying to get at is that I never know what to do with girls. This problem has stemmed all the way back to freshman year when my friend Sean and I used to always talk about how much we wanted that perfect relationship with some girl that would be perfect. We would watch movies and wish that what happed in the movies would happen to us. And don't make fun of me for saying that because I know everyone has done it. And then he got what we always talked about and I didn't. I still had that desire so I became bent on it, with consequences. I do this thing where I flirt with as many girls as I can so that I have as many opportunities as I can to get that one girl. And then I screw it up because of so much going on and I can't decide what to do. And then I do it again. There is always a debate between different girls in my mind. Most of the time they would never be in a relationship with me anyways. I think I have often missed that one girl because I have screwed it up. I never can decide what I really want, for it is not as simple as I used to think it is. I never know what I want.

Many times, I don't know the kind of friend I should be. I know this sounds terrible and I hate myself for it a lot but I think that at times I can be a bad friend. Sometimes I don't know how to give the best advice, or I fail to be there for a friend when they most need me. This is something I know that I have done. I definitely try and I will always, but sometimes I really don't know how to be a good friend. I think it varies from person to person, but I screw things up sometimes because I don't know how to be a good friend to somebody. Sometimes I just don't know how to be.

When I am in a depressed mood, I know I have said this but I really have no idea who I am. I am a complete wreck. I don't know how to express it because I don't want to draw attention to myself so that everyone is looking at me and asking me what's wrong. I don't want to say anything and usually I hide it because I don't want people to think I am a depressed person who is sad a lot. I always want to maintain my image of someone who is always happy and someone who can be there for others (whether I do it right or not). But I always have contridicting thoughts causing me to also stop talking and be by myself. And this causes those other things to happen and I hate myself even more and it just causes another spiral of death. And overall, I don't know who I am. Now I know a lot of these thoughts are irrational, and I should not be thinking them, but that is coming from my current state of mind where I see myself more aware of these things and I believe myself to be thinking more logically. I don't know. It's weird. Like I said, sometimes I don't know who I am and even when I am not in a depressed mood, I still don't fully know who I am. I still don't know who I should be or what I should do. I don't know.

So...now for a little reflection on my reflection. I wrote an incredible amount. More than ever before. I am sure that barely anybody will get to this point. Either way, I find this whole blogging to be somewhat therapeutical, and in order for it to work, I have to post it and simply hope people read it. I hope that by reading this you don't think that I am a guy who lives in his own vanity. I definitely don't. I don't know how else I can prove it to you but really, I am not a very egotistical person. I am really not one of those people really into themselves. I promise. I hope that the other side has shown that. But also I hope you don't view me as a person who is depressed all the time, for I am not. Like I said before, I love life, and I love my life.

For me it is really hard for me to clearly show in words what is going on in my head, but with this I am trying to my hope is that it helps me perhaps understand myself more and also maybe you can relate to a sentence here or there that perhaps sticks out.

And where do I go from here? I am going to learn from this and continue on with my life. I am going to remain optimistic as always, and I am going to continue to grow and change and get to know who I am better. Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed it. Word.

-Andy

The Machine Is Rolling...

It is fugitive season again.

And my dog is snoring.

Word.

-Andy

Lenko List #2

Word. I made the first one, or at least the first one that I knew of. I didn't get the idea from anyone else. And then Ryan made one and called it a Lenko list. So here is another...a list of statements or something that possibly could make a blog but I don't have time to write them or I am too lazy too. Hope you enjoy it.


-I haven't blogged in while.
-Techno is still the shit.
-It sounds really good in my van.
-Mini-vans are the shit, don't deny it.
-I miss my old green car.
-Track starts tomorrow, and I am excited.
-Running this winter has been intense.
-I hope it pays off.
-I am nearing breaking my record of longest relationship.
-This one is far better than my longest one to date.
-I am pretty sure I am going to the Merchant Marine Academy.
-I got soul but I'm not a soldier.
-Things never turn out exactly how you expected, but that isn't a bad thing.
-Everything is going to change in a couple of months.
-I love playing music.
-Sometimes I feel unappreciated, but maybe not.
-It is amazing what your friends will do for you when you are in need.
-Regret and worry don't really do a whole lot.
-I was going to write a book.
-But I lost inspiration and kind of stopped.
-Oh well.
-I miss some of the old friendships I used to have.
-I rejoice in the friends I still have, old and new.
-I have 4467 songs on my iTunes.
-That is a decent amount.
-I have not gotten a new cd in a while.
-You are bored now.
-It smells like teen spirit.
-Techno is still the shit.

Word.
-Andy

Let's Part the Seas...

I want to address two things. They aren't really related. You might be able to see a relationship though. We will see after I am done. I don't know which to start with. Feel free to read this blog out of order.

Well I guess I will start by saying that I have something that I want to do. And I think it would be really fun. For the past couple of months I have been thinking that I would really like to play my piano music for people. There are a lot of new songs that I have written, and I think it might alright just in that so far people have told me it is alright music. But I feel like it would be weird asking a bunch of people in general to come listen to my music. I feel weird in general asking any single person to listen to my music. I don't know what it is, but I guess that might just be who I am.

I feel like I have thought of what I want to do. I had had some inspiration from people earlier, and last night I was listening to Jill play guitar and sing some of her music, and I thought she was really amazing but maybe hasn't had that much of a chance for people to hear her music. And then I thought or Ryan Haagenson being very similar. Amazing music but not really heard by many. So what I thought would be cool would be to invite anybody over to my house some night and like Jill and Ryan and I could play some of our music and anybody else who wanted to play anything could. So far the people I have talked to think it would a pretty good idea. I think it would be fun. Maybe, it won't be, but right now I will start talking to people and see what they think. And I guess there doesn't even have to be a lot of people. It will just be a fun night to hang out and listen to music. So far I have a tentative date set at February 23rd. Anyone who reads this should let me know what they think.

Now onto a different thing that I often find myself thinking about. I feel like in my mind, I think that other people are very much like me, and they think very similar. Or maybe I mean I tend to think about what other people worse responses are to anything more than anything else. That probably doesn't make a lot of sense as it is. I will ellaborate and provide examples. I often think a lot about what I am going to say, because I think a lot about whether anybody will take offense to what I say, or something like that. Often, in my mind if there is reason that maybe somebody will reject what I say and make me feel like an idiot, I usually won't say it. I am afraid to ask certain things, or try to be the first to say something, or to try to get people to listen or follow me because I am always afraid that they will straight up say no and that is it. A lot of times it is ironic because after I put down such thoughts, somebody else will say what I wouldn't, and it would be good.

I don't know why it is that I am like that. Maybe I have been conditioned to be so. I feel like that is a big part of it. It still happens to me, but I feel like in the past I have been shut down on a lot of various occasions. Or maybe it is just my personality. Maybe I am meant to be more timid sort of and just quiet and not a leader at all. Gosh I would certainly hope that I am not, for that is not who I want to be, but I am afraid that is still who I am.

And it is weird too. Maybe it has taught me not to be a certain way. All the time I see somebody ask somebody else for sometimes even a small favor and that person flat out says no and pretends like they have no conscience and doesn't think about that person. I guess that doesn't necessarily make that person a bad person, but I definitely know how it feels to be rejected like that, so whenever anyone asks me for a similar thing or something, I try to do what I can. And if I can't do it or whatever, I try to be nice about saying no. At least that is what I hope that I do. I definitely don't want to be the person that flat out says no. Again, it doesn't necessarily make that person a bad person, but I guess it is just something I try not to do. I don't know. Maybe you can relate to this. Maybe not.

And that I believe is my blogging for the night. Hope it wasn't too bad. Talk to you later.
-Andy

So I Have This Idea In My Head

...and I hate it because it is such a vivid image, but I have nothing to do with it. I don't know if you know what I mean, but maybe as I describe it and my situation, which I find myself often in, you will understand more. Anyways, as I said, there is a sort of a picture or scene in my mind and I think it would be cool do bring that to life somehow, but I can't probably because I don't have time or the creative capability. It may sound weird, but I will try to describe it.

So in my head I see a sort of ballroom like there used to be in like Europe sometime in the past. And in this ballroom are a bunch of people dancing in unison in circles and such, I don't know what you call the dance, with classical music and all that in the background. But all of the people are ghosts except for one man who is dancing with a woman who is also a ghost. It's like in a movie where the camara zooms from above and you can see everyone below especially the man. Of course he is all dressed up like the rest of the people. But then the scene changes to real life where the ballroom is all broken down and lessened by age, if you can picture that, you know all dusty with broken things hanging off the walls and such. And it is silent, but that man is dancing there, as if with a woman. And he is still all dressed up.

That probably sounds real dumb. And if you have seen it before that makes sense. The idea is inspired from various things I have seen. It is quite possible that it has already been created. Anyways, I think there could be so much done with that image. There could be so much symbolism and so much story behind. If I could I think it would be awesome to like write a story with that. Or I could simple write a poem or a song, which I actually did try. Or I could like write a script for a play or a movie or something like that.

But in reality, I can't. All I have is that singular image in my mind. I don't know where I would start or end or what I would do in between. All there is is that one thing. Maybe I can start to build off it, but I still get stuck. And I simple don't have time. I don't know. Maybe all this image is useful for is sparking my imagination and making me think, which I suppose wouldn't be such a bad thing. I guess I just think it is kind of interesting a cool. Maybe somebody will read this or already have thought of it and then write a book or make a movie out of it, and I will read it or see it and be able to understand, and it will fill all of the holes in my mind. But that probably won't happen.

Hmm. This was probably one of my weirder blogs. I don't know how you will respond. I do appreciate the responses, but they are not necessary. Maybe you enjoyed reading this or maybe you can relate to it or I don't know. Either way, there it is. Talk to you later eh.
-Andy

Running...

My mind is filled with doubt, yet a single idea, a single hope, a single dream, a single source of motivation drives me. The motivation prevails, for it is looking to the future rather than the past. I cross the threshold and with the click of a watch, I am off. It is a journey, one that lasts for eternity and a second. All the while wanting to turn back, my drive prevails. The pavement beneath me appears to rush behind me, as every step, every breath takes a little more out of me. But for every bit taken out of me, I am made that much stronger in every way. My physical limits are pushed, but me will to succeed increased. In the end, that will, that drive, that movitation, that dream truly has prevailed. Forever, in many ways I will be a better person. I have that much better of a chance to succeed. It is still far off, and there is much in the way, but maybe someday that dream will come true. I can only hope.


There is my little bit of creative-ish writing. I don't think I could write much more than that just because I have to think so much about how I want to say what I am thinking. Anyways, maybe you liked it. Maybe not. I still want to say a few more things on the subject though.

I was talking with Alex about this the other day, and I think it is amazing how much of an effect running has had on me this winter. I feel like it has changed me and will continue to change and affect me for a while. Up to now, this will definitely be one of my most defining winters. Never have I done anything like this winter. I have never spent a whole winter running, or camping, or running or anything. It has made me feel like I can do so much more. I never would have believed a few years ago that running would be this important to me in my life and that I would be running an hour every day after school.

And like I said in the beginning, if you could sort of discern what I was saying, but I have crazy hopes for this track season. I just hope that I will be able to do what I want to get done. And even if I don't do as well as I would hope, I think I will still be able to be happy knowing that I did a heck of a lot over the winter, and I stayed in shape, and I felt good about myself and such. Word. Now I am just talking about myself. Don't feel like you have to go out and run forever. I mean it is a good thing to do, but for me this is something big I have found in my life, and I think that if everyone had something like this, well, I would be happy for them. Ya, you know what I mean. Word. I have said enough. Talk to you later.
-Andy

Somewhere in China a Bird is Eating a Tree...

...I will bet money that on their next album, chiodos will have on it a song titled somewhat like that. I think it is stupid. Cause of course the song would have nothing to do with a bird eating a tree in China. Plus it just doesn't make sense. Oh well. They can be dumb like that.

Anyways...on to deeper stuff...it is kind of interesting, these days I have often found myself in a sort of nostalgic or just kind of emotional mood. Not emotional in the way that I am depressed or anything, just emotional in that i suddenly become very aware of my friendships and how much everything in my life means to me, and also I think about the different ways that I have failed certain people or something like that, and I suppose in that way I can get a little sad. I also think about my life up to this point, everything I have done and where I am headed, what lies in my future.

But I don't know, these feelings can be triggered in many different ways and in many different places. I may be at home, up in my room in the internet just talking to somebody, or texting somebody or something, or even talking on the phone or something. Or I will be running, and somehow the pavement below my feet makes me think about how big of an impact running has had on my life, how I never would have expected to be where I am now, which then triggers other such feelings about other things.

Or even tonight, a real good friend of mine posted a bunch of picture on myspace of her best friends. There was a picture of me among all of those great people. I don't know exactly what it was, but that struck me so hard. It meant a lot to me. It made me think of my friendship with her and everything I have gone through with her. It made me think of how much she means to me and how much she always will.

Another sort of thing like that happened with me earlier today as well. I had a couple of friends over after lunch. Alex Zuelke and Ryan Haagenson came over and we just played around on guitars for an hour or so. It was one of the most amazing times I have ever had. Ryan and I were all jamming out, and Alex was sitting be Ryan as well with a guitar in his hand. He doesn't really know how to play, but he still occasionally tried to throw a little thing in here or there. It's alright though, cause I know he has the heart and I know that if he puts his mind to it he will be better than both Ryan and I someday. But I will tell you, Ryan played these most amazing songs that he wrote for Alex and I. I am telling you, if you ever hear them, you will fall in love with them. So if you get a chance, as Ryan to play one of his songs for you sometime.

So I think I will sort of wrap things up here pretty quick. I think another reason why I get so nostalgic is that I, just like everybody else, is going to be done with high school next year. Things will never be the same, and it's just good to remember all of the good things that have passed. And it is good to have hope for the future.
And that is about it for now. Thanks for reading. Talk to you later.

-Andy